I Didn’t Give Up My Independence — I Redefined It
As South Asian women in the diaspora, we are told to be “independent,” but “nurturing.” We are told to be “all-rounders” who can dominate a boardroom by day and manage a perfect household by night. But let’s be real: the expectations, the mountain of obligations, and the mental load placed on women are unreal. Traditionalists will defend it, modernists will insist things are equal now, but, ultimately, women are still expected to do it all while making it look effortless.
And perhaps the worst part is that this pressure doesn’t just come from men. Women judge their own kind, expecting the world from one another while offering almost no grace.
It is incredibly hard to choose oneself and shut out the noise. But I’ve realized that it’s the only way to truly live on our own terms.
The Labels: Lazy, Gold Digger, Regressive
I know my purpose. I am here to raise my future children into good, intentional human beings and to nurture my family. That is my Dharma. But that doesn’t mean it’s my only purpose, or that I’m a “finished story.”
Being a mother is a 24/7, never-ending reality. There is no clock-out time for loving, guiding, nurturing, and carrying the mental load of a family. If I choose to be a stay-at-home mom, wife, and household manager, that doesn’t mean I am “stepping back.” It means I am stepping into a role that requires more leadership, project management, and emotional intelligence than I’ve ever experienced as a full-time corporate employee.
Nonetheless, the judgements come.
“Lazy.” “Gold digger.” “Regressive.” “Why would you give up everything you worked for?”
The irony is staggering. The same people who praise women for “choosing themselves” can’t imagine that for me, choosing myself looks like devotion to my family. They see a surface-level story that doesn’t fit their version of success, and that’s all they need to pass judgment.
What the Critics Don’t See
What people may not see, are the years of discipline and sacrifice that led to this choice.
- They don’t see the long days I worked full-time and did an MBA while my husband was in medical school.
- They don’t see the financial cushion I built for us through my own career.
- They don’t see that I intentionally chose a partner who shares these values and has been on board with the kind of life I wanted to architect since day one.
- They don’t see the invisible labor required to shape a child’s world, keep a household running, and create an environment where people feel cared for, safe, and emotionally supported.
And maybe that’s what bothers me most about modern conversations around empowerment: people celebrate choice in theory, but struggle to respect choices that don’t mirror their own ambitions.
If this is the path that I choose, I didn’t give up my independence. I created it. I didn’t stumble into this life; I planned for it.
So when someone calls me “lazy”, “regressive”, or a “gold digger,” I no longer feel the need to defend myself. For me, contribution is not about external titles. It’s about the life I build and the people I nurture.
Modernists will mislabel me a traditionalist, but the truth is, I am a modern woman who actually knows her worth. I built the life that I wanted.
Breaking Gender Norms: Redefining Womanhood
I dislike gender norms. In fact, they repulse me. I will not let anyone impose them on me, whether it’s a traditionalist telling me I must cook, or a modern critic telling me I shouldn’t want to.
I value the power to choose. To me, serving my family, whether emotionally, practically, or spiritually, isn’t a chore. It is my intention, my dharma.
And if one day I shift my path, it won’t be because society told me to. It will be because I decided it was time for a new season. Because my womanhood is not confined. My dharma has and always will be ever-evolving.
Living on Your Own Terms: South Asian Women’s Empowerment
Empathy isn’t agreement. It’s the willingness to admit, “I might not understand you, but I believe you understand yourself.” Most people just project. They see someone else’s simplicity and misread it as a lack of ambition. They judge because it is easier to label someone else than it is to examine their own discomfort with choice.
Let them talk. Let them carry their own discomfort. Your life is not up for debate. When you choose your own path, whether it’s in the boardroom or the living room, you are breaking the cycle that South Asian women have been trapped in: allowing everyone else to define their lives before they define it for themselves.
Your only responsibility is to listen to your own voice over the roar of the world.
The Alignment Action: Redefining Womanhood for Yourself
The next time someone offers “advice” that feels like judgment, audit it immediately:
- Dig Deeper: Is their concern reflecting a fear you actually have? If yes, use it as a mirror.
- Filter the Noise: If you feel no internal conflict, then they are simply exerting their values onto you.
- Stand Your Ground: Do not justify. Do not explain. Living on your own terms isn’t selfish; it’s a service to yourself.
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